I want to tackle a subject that continually weighs upon me: the state of my childrens' relationship. The biggest benefit of having 3 so close together is that there is a constant playmate. Right now, they seem to enjoy one another's company and they look forward to spending time together. They enjoy having sleepovers in each others rooms and inventing silly games to play. Obviously they fight, in fact they fight quite frequently, not only daily, but often hourly. But one of my sincerest wishes for them is that as they grow older, they will see one another as their best and truest friends. I want to do everything I can in my power to cultivate their relationships. However, I recognize that this is ultimately something that exists beyond my control.
It is only recently that I have come to appreciate the role of nature in the sibling relationship. Despite being raised in the same home at the same time, I understand that one day my kids will grow up, discuss their childhood and have vastly different recollections of the same events. I finally see that their perception is colored by their personality and as much as I want to shape things, there is only so much I can do. So, we do the obvious, like not comparing or trying to create competition. We spend a lot of (probably too much) time talking about how important family is, how friends will come and go, and how the people they live with are the ones they can count on. However, I can't help but feel there is more we can do to stack the odds in favor of a good outcome.
Recently, Jack and Anna were invited to a birthday party and Kara wasn't. Kara was upset, the party was for someone she knows, likes, and thinks of as her friend. I was hoping Anna would understand the situation from Kara's perspective, but instead Anna just said, "Mom, she doesn't like Kara. I don't blame her for not inviting her, because I don't like Kara either." I spend enough time watching Anna and Kara play and giggle together to know this isn't true. But, I also know that at the moment she said it, she meant it. For the first time, but I am sure not the last she is choosing a friend over her sibling. And, I don't like it. Not at all. But, what can I do? Should I do anything? She knows I am upset with what she said, but do I convince her she feels otherwise? I did give a clipped response of, "in five years, do you think you will still be friends with Jenny? Well, guess who is still going to be sleeping in the room next to yours. You need to figure out where your loyalties lie."
Of course, all that is meaningless to her (as emphasized by her saying, "what does loyalties mean"). I am guessing she will be in her 20s before she understands the lesson I am trying to impart. But, in the meantime, it is frustrating. And, this situation is extremely minor. A birthday party isn't going to make or break things, in two weeks, it will be a distant memory. However, in ten years, a similar situation could devastate things. What happens if someone is picked on at school and their siblings stand up for the attacker?
I want to our home to always be the safe haven, the one place in the world where they can feel completely safe and loved. I want to them not only love each other, but to like one another and to want to spend time together. I don't want them to feel competitive with each other, but to see the triumph of one as a triumph for all.
This parenting thing is not easy.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Thoughts on Being Pregnant
As most who read this blog know, I am pregnant with our fourth child. We are expecting a baby boy in March. As the pregnancy progresses, I find myself reflecting on how different it feels this time around. I am not sure if it is the 5 years, the extra 30 pounds, or some other unknown factor(s). Although, I imagine it is some type of combination.
My first pregnancy was full of ups and downs. I was pretty sick the first trimester, losing about 10 pounds. However, I never missed a day of work or found myself unable to function. As soon as the second trimester hit, the sickness went away and the pregnancy seemed to progress smoothly. Since I didn't know what to expect, I was conscious of every ache and pain. I tried to stay active, Thomas and I would take daily walks, I would do water aerobics twice a week, and alternate in a few workout dvds. I felt like I was doing everything I was supposed to. In fact, the only time I have ever felt thin in my life was when I was pregnant with Jack and Anna. I can remember one nurse commenting that "you must have been a stick before you got pregnant!" While that was certainly not the case, it was nice to hear. I imagine it was just because people felt like someone carrying twins should have been larger, but still, I felt pretty good about myself.
At 31 weeks, I went in for a routine check-up. As I was getting dressed to leave, I mentioned some pressure I had been feeling. To be safe, the doctor decided to check me. She found that I was dilated and sent me to labor and delivery, they hooked me up to a fetal monitoring system and I was surprised to learn I was having regular contractions. The rest of the night is a bit of a blur, but they gave me medicine to stop the contractions, while preparing to send me to labor if the medicine failed. The contractions got stronger and stronger. It went on for hours and was frightening. It seemed like every doctor in the hospital stopped by to check my progress (it was a teaching hospital, so there probably were a disproportionate number of doctors around). But, they were able to halt the labor. I didn't get to leave the hospital for another 4 weeks. My water broke at 35 weeks and the twins were delivered via c-section--small, but healthy (that birth story, which includes a drugged-up Thomas, should be told another day).
I had a very easy recovery after my c-section. I was up and walking within a few hours and never took any medication stronger than extra strength Tylenol. The worst part was honestly that I got the world's largest cold sore. It hurt more than the c-section recovery.
The months after Jack and Anna were born were extremely trying. My mother had recently passed away, I was struggling with trying to breast feed, and was plagued by a weakened immune system (from lack of sleep I imagine). I had an ear infection that left me deaf in one ear for weeks and an awful case of strep throat. Because my job required me to be in court multiple times a week, calling in sick was not really an option. When the twins were about 7 months old, things finally started to calm down. I was anxious to work on getting back in shape and had just resumed a jogging routine when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. I had known our family was not complete, and while I was excited about another baby, the timing did certainly feel a bit off. Also, I was kind of embarrassed. I had just spent months in the hospital and on maternity leave and now I had to go in and tell my boss I would be needing more time off.
This pregnancy was a lot easier than the twin pregnancy. I was still sick, but much less so. I don't think I was as active during this pregnancy as I was with my first. We still went for walks, but I was a bit nervous to push myself. I was afraid of another preterm labor. However, Kara was born at 39 weeks, full-sized and healthy. It was such a huge difference to have a normal-sized infant. She slept better and was very easy (until her stubborn streak set in). But, my recovery was more difficult. I needed the Tylenol 3 a few times and I had a lot more pain. I know I have written about her birth story, so I won't belabor the issues here. I will just say that it was not as easy.
So, here I am 5 years later. I am much more nervous this time around. On top of the issues I had after Kara's birth, I am also more worried about this baby. It never occurred to me that my other babies wouldn't be born healthy. I remember the nurse coming to me after Jack and Anna were delivered and saying, "they look great, very healthy," and thinking, "of course they do. Why wouldn't they?" It honestly never once occurred to me that they wouldn't be born healthy. That seems crazy now. With years of parenthood has come years of seeing that not all children are born healthy. Now, I am much more aware of everything that can go wrong and I am praying for a healthy baby. I am also nervous for myself. I am afraid of having a difficult recovery (or worse). I am not plagued by these thoughts, I am just much more conscious of unpleasant possibilities. Before having children, I don't think I paid attention to stories about women dying in childbirth, or personally knew of any kids born with life-threatening issues. Most of my friends were childless, it just wasn't something that was on my radar. Now it is.
At 30 weeks pregnant, I feel pretty good. I was more sick with this pregnancy than the other two. I am also having a terrible time sleeping. But, while I am nervous about starting over, I am also excited. I can't wait to see what kind of big siblings Jack, Anna, and Kara will be and to experience what it is like to have just one baby in the house. It is an exciting time for our family!
My first pregnancy was full of ups and downs. I was pretty sick the first trimester, losing about 10 pounds. However, I never missed a day of work or found myself unable to function. As soon as the second trimester hit, the sickness went away and the pregnancy seemed to progress smoothly. Since I didn't know what to expect, I was conscious of every ache and pain. I tried to stay active, Thomas and I would take daily walks, I would do water aerobics twice a week, and alternate in a few workout dvds. I felt like I was doing everything I was supposed to. In fact, the only time I have ever felt thin in my life was when I was pregnant with Jack and Anna. I can remember one nurse commenting that "you must have been a stick before you got pregnant!" While that was certainly not the case, it was nice to hear. I imagine it was just because people felt like someone carrying twins should have been larger, but still, I felt pretty good about myself.
At 31 weeks, I went in for a routine check-up. As I was getting dressed to leave, I mentioned some pressure I had been feeling. To be safe, the doctor decided to check me. She found that I was dilated and sent me to labor and delivery, they hooked me up to a fetal monitoring system and I was surprised to learn I was having regular contractions. The rest of the night is a bit of a blur, but they gave me medicine to stop the contractions, while preparing to send me to labor if the medicine failed. The contractions got stronger and stronger. It went on for hours and was frightening. It seemed like every doctor in the hospital stopped by to check my progress (it was a teaching hospital, so there probably were a disproportionate number of doctors around). But, they were able to halt the labor. I didn't get to leave the hospital for another 4 weeks. My water broke at 35 weeks and the twins were delivered via c-section--small, but healthy (that birth story, which includes a drugged-up Thomas, should be told another day).
 |
| Taken right around 31 weeks, this may actually have been on the day of my appointment where were found out I was in labor. |
I had a very easy recovery after my c-section. I was up and walking within a few hours and never took any medication stronger than extra strength Tylenol. The worst part was honestly that I got the world's largest cold sore. It hurt more than the c-section recovery.
The months after Jack and Anna were born were extremely trying. My mother had recently passed away, I was struggling with trying to breast feed, and was plagued by a weakened immune system (from lack of sleep I imagine). I had an ear infection that left me deaf in one ear for weeks and an awful case of strep throat. Because my job required me to be in court multiple times a week, calling in sick was not really an option. When the twins were about 7 months old, things finally started to calm down. I was anxious to work on getting back in shape and had just resumed a jogging routine when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. I had known our family was not complete, and while I was excited about another baby, the timing did certainly feel a bit off. Also, I was kind of embarrassed. I had just spent months in the hospital and on maternity leave and now I had to go in and tell my boss I would be needing more time off.
This pregnancy was a lot easier than the twin pregnancy. I was still sick, but much less so. I don't think I was as active during this pregnancy as I was with my first. We still went for walks, but I was a bit nervous to push myself. I was afraid of another preterm labor. However, Kara was born at 39 weeks, full-sized and healthy. It was such a huge difference to have a normal-sized infant. She slept better and was very easy (until her stubborn streak set in). But, my recovery was more difficult. I needed the Tylenol 3 a few times and I had a lot more pain. I know I have written about her birth story, so I won't belabor the issues here. I will just say that it was not as easy.
 |
| Taken the day Kara was born. |
So, here I am 5 years later. I am much more nervous this time around. On top of the issues I had after Kara's birth, I am also more worried about this baby. It never occurred to me that my other babies wouldn't be born healthy. I remember the nurse coming to me after Jack and Anna were delivered and saying, "they look great, very healthy," and thinking, "of course they do. Why wouldn't they?" It honestly never once occurred to me that they wouldn't be born healthy. That seems crazy now. With years of parenthood has come years of seeing that not all children are born healthy. Now, I am much more aware of everything that can go wrong and I am praying for a healthy baby. I am also nervous for myself. I am afraid of having a difficult recovery (or worse). I am not plagued by these thoughts, I am just much more conscious of unpleasant possibilities. Before having children, I don't think I paid attention to stories about women dying in childbirth, or personally knew of any kids born with life-threatening issues. Most of my friends were childless, it just wasn't something that was on my radar. Now it is.
At 30 weeks pregnant, I feel pretty good. I was more sick with this pregnancy than the other two. I am also having a terrible time sleeping. But, while I am nervous about starting over, I am also excited. I can't wait to see what kind of big siblings Jack, Anna, and Kara will be and to experience what it is like to have just one baby in the house. It is an exciting time for our family!
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