I want to tackle a subject that continually weighs upon me: the state of my childrens' relationship. The biggest benefit of having 3 so close together is that there is a constant playmate. Right now, they seem to enjoy one another's company and they look forward to spending time together. They enjoy having sleepovers in each others rooms and inventing silly games to play. Obviously they fight, in fact they fight quite frequently, not only daily, but often hourly. But one of my sincerest wishes for them is that as they grow older, they will see one another as their best and truest friends. I want to do everything I can in my power to cultivate their relationships. However, I recognize that this is ultimately something that exists beyond my control.
It is only recently that I have come to appreciate the role of nature in the sibling relationship. Despite being raised in the same home at the same time, I understand that one day my kids will grow up, discuss their childhood and have vastly different recollections of the same events. I finally see that their perception is colored by their personality and as much as I want to shape things, there is only so much I can do. So, we do the obvious, like not comparing or trying to create competition. We spend a lot of (probably too much) time talking about how important family is, how friends will come and go, and how the people they live with are the ones they can count on. However, I can't help but feel there is more we can do to stack the odds in favor of a good outcome.
Recently, Jack and Anna were invited to a birthday party and Kara wasn't. Kara was upset, the party was for someone she knows, likes, and thinks of as her friend. I was hoping Anna would understand the situation from Kara's perspective, but instead Anna just said, "Mom, she doesn't like Kara. I don't blame her for not inviting her, because I don't like Kara either." I spend enough time watching Anna and Kara play and giggle together to know this isn't true. But, I also know that at the moment she said it, she meant it. For the first time, but I am sure not the last she is choosing a friend over her sibling. And, I don't like it. Not at all. But, what can I do? Should I do anything? She knows I am upset with what she said, but do I convince her she feels otherwise? I did give a clipped response of, "in five years, do you think you will still be friends with Jenny? Well, guess who is still going to be sleeping in the room next to yours. You need to figure out where your loyalties lie."
Of course, all that is meaningless to her (as emphasized by her saying, "what does loyalties mean"). I am guessing she will be in her 20s before she understands the lesson I am trying to impart. But, in the meantime, it is frustrating. And, this situation is extremely minor. A birthday party isn't going to make or break things, in two weeks, it will be a distant memory. However, in ten years, a similar situation could devastate things. What happens if someone is picked on at school and their siblings stand up for the attacker?
I want to our home to always be the safe haven, the one place in the world where they can feel completely safe and loved. I want to them not only love each other, but to like one another and to want to spend time together. I don't want them to feel competitive with each other, but to see the triumph of one as a triumph for all.
This parenting thing is not easy.
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