Why I applied for a job

I had my first job interview in over a decade on Tuesday.  It was for a legal job on base.  I think the interview went well, but I will be surprised if I am offered the position--I simply don't have any experience in the practice area for which they are hiring.  But, it is essentially an entry-level position, so I am not going to completely rule out the possibility that I could be returning to work soon.  I have contemplated going back to work for several years. When I left my full-time position 5 years ago, I did not intend to ever return. I was so excited about the prospect of being a stay-at-home mom; I envisioned a peaceful life with many fulfilling moments. I was even open to the possibility of home-schooling. I couldn't wait to embark on the adventure of full-time motherhood! (obviously, I know that working mothers are still full-time mothers.)

But, it wasn't quite what I envisioned. Or, more specifically, I didn't fulfill my role in quite the manner I envisioned. I believe that I am an adequate mother. Not fantastic, not Mary Poppinsesque, just adequate. And, it has been hard for me. Among other faults: my house is never clean, our clothes are always wrinkled, I say "no" far more than I say "yes", the lunches I pack aren't particularly nutritious, etc. To be fair to myself, I am a nice mother: I volunteer at school and make the weekly trek to the library. I cook good dinners and make sure that emotional and physical needs are met. I listen when they talk, even when the stories involve Minecraft and go on and on and on. My kids would say I rarely yell (I think they may not understand what "rarely" means) and that they are satisfied with the level of care they are provided (maybe not in the those exact words). But, I am just not what I thought I would be.

So, what would going back to work solve?  I think perhaps my logic is that since I am not the stellar mother I thought I would be, there is no point in my being home full-time. When we bought Thomas' new car, it was the first time I had no income to contribute to a loan, it was a strange, uncomfortable feeling. Thomas has never made me feel like what he makes is his money, but I miss contributing financially. I feel bad that he gets up every day at 4:30 and goes to work, while I sit home and get to watch television or spend hours chatting with friends at playdates. I feel like I should have a garden and teach Luke to read and generally be so much more productive than I am.

Honestly, I have a lot of conflicting feelings, all of which I analyzed to death in trying to determine whether or not I should even apply. This question has come up before, and my conclusion has been different. I am not sure what the right choice is. Sometimes, I hope that I do not get the job, because then the decision is made for me. I don't intend to apply to multiple positions--if I don't get this job, I will focus more on being grateful for the life I already have and trying to come up with strategies to be more successful, or at least feel more successful, in my role of mother.

Additionally, I think a lot of my troubles stem from an unhappiness I have with myself, primarily because I am the unhealthiest I have ever been. It is amazing how frustrations with ourselves can permeate into all aspects of our being. Suffice it to say that I know that if I were happier with myself, I would be a better wife, mother and homemaker. I wish change were easier. Obviously, I know that going back to work is not going to solve everything, but it would certainly change my daily experience. And, I think I would be more satisfied with myself if I felt like I had professional success.

The kids are, of course, a major consideration. I have never felt like I was wasting my degree by staying at home (a question I have been asked more than once), but I have also never felt like a mother needs to be home full-time to be a good parent. I have heard more than one stay-at-home mom ask (never to a working mom of course, but more in a quest to support her own choices), "why have kids if you are just going to send them to daycare for someone else to raise." No one else "raises" the children of working parents. We send kids to school all day and don't say that the government is raising them. The parents are still the moral compass of the family. Having kids is a life-long commitment. There will never be a time that I am unavailable to my children, but I don't think that necessitates 24/7 in-person access from now until eternity. Yes, I know they are only small for a short time. But, I only have the ability to enter the work force for a short time as well. There is already a gap on my resume, my ability to obtain a job in my field will dissipate with time. So, what happens to a stay-at-home mom when all her kids have left the house? I have seen many mothers find fulfillment with other activities, or jobs outside their original chosen fields, but perhaps I am not one of those mothers. Perhaps not everyone fits in the same mold. If you love your family and strive to do what is best for everyone, including yourself, isn't that the most important thing?

I honestly believe that by taking care of myself and my needs, I am also taking care of my family. Of course, I don't believe my individual needs conflict with those of my family unit. My world, my sense of worth, is not completely tied to my children. My role as a mother is one large part of me, but it is still just a part. Personally, I think showing my children, especially my girls, that they can do whatever they want is extremely important. They should know that a confident, loving husband will support them in doing whatever makes them happiest. I want all my children to be capable of taking care of themselves and their family. You never know what life's challenges will bring and you should be in the best possible position to adapt.

All this is a drawn out way of saying that I have applied for a job. I do not know if I am going to get the job. If I do, I believe I can still be an adequate mother, even if I work full-time. If I don't, I can still be fulfilled, even though I am not using the degree I spent 7 years to obtain. I do not believe I am selfish for making one choice or selfless for another.