Allergies and Mommy Guilt

As some of you might guess, I am pretty good at following rules. I'm like a Boy Scout that way. When I was pregnant with Jack and Anna, I kept myself informed. I read the recommended books, I ate healthy foods, I exercised regularly. None of this kept me from going into labor at 30 weeks (and giving birth at 35). None of it kept Anna out of the NICU. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I could have done better to prevent that preterm labor. Jack came home with us when he was 2 days old. Anna had to wait a little bit longer. But, it seemed as though we escaped unscathed from the perils of prematurity.

Fast forward six months to the introduction of solid foods. All seemed to go well until we got to the one-year mark when the experts, upon whom I heavily relied, said I could introduce eggs. That did not go well. We were at Cracker Barrel when I decided that they could try a bite of my eggs. Jack immediately broke out in a red, hivy rash around his month. It was so bright that people literally stopped eating and started staring when we walked past. We got in the car, thinking we should take him to the hospital. But, he wasn't having any trouble breathing and didn't appear to be in any distress. After about 15 minutes the rash cleared-up.

The doctor told us not to worry. Egg allergy was common and he would most likely outgrow it. After all, no one else on either side of the family had any type of food allergies. At 18-months I let him have a bite of a peanut butter cookie. He broke out in hives all over his body. It was terrifying. I drove him to the emergency room. They gave him benadryl, kept an eye on him, and sent us home a few hours later.

So, why the title of this post? Because I felt like I had failed him. I had terrible morning sickness for the first 20 weeks of pregnancy. One of the few things I could keep down was peanut butter crackers. I ate a lot of them. Clearly, that was why he was now allergic. I had done this to him. Because of me, he was doomed to a life without chocolate or cupcakes or cookies. A life at the peanut-free table.

I was not yet familiar with what products contained peanuts. I had become more informed about food allergies after the diagnosis of the egg allergy, but that one was not likely to cause anaphylactic shock. I was careful about egg, but terrified of accidental peanut consumption. That was 2 years ago. I am not terrified any more. I am ashamed now that I cried so much over an allergy. My children are healthy. I am fortunate.

I am thankful for the Food Allergy Labeling and Consumer Protection Act. And, I am frustrated by people who think parents blow allergies out of proportion, just because when they were small there were no peanut-free classrooms or sections at the ballpark. I hate to admit it, but I was once one of them. I had always felt that we live in a democracy and majority rules and if you can't fall in line with that, then too bad for you. But, it is not that simple. In all my knowledge, I was ignorant. I thought I was compassionate, but in reality, his allergy diagnosis changed my perspective beyond the question of what a parent should be allowed to send in for a school holiday party.

I no longer believe I caused his allergy (well, mostly believe). And, of course I'm sorry he has it. But, it certainly was nothing to cry about.