To get a job or stay at home, that is the question...

I know I am going to come off sounding like a jerk in this blog.  I have decided that's okay.  As something that has been weighing heavily on my mind for the past week, I want to write about it.  One day perhaps my children will read through this blog (since I stopped keeping a journal years ago) and get a better idea of how their mom thought when they were kids.  I wish I had something like this from my own mother.

Anyway, on to the topic at hand.  I stopped working in October 2010.  We decided we would let Thomas be the breadwinner and I would stay home with the kids full-time.  At the time, I was super-excited.  I always thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM).  I had planned to stop working shortly after the twins were born, then we found out about Kara and decided we would both do another tour.  We may have made the decision regardless, we were offered great jobs in a good location and the opportunity to bulk up our savings account was really appealing. 

Having kids in daycare solidified my desire to stay home.  It was brutal getting them all up and out the door in each morning.  It stunk when someone was sick and we had to figure out who was going to disappoint their boss that day.  Those days usually stretched into a week.  It was hard.  Generally, we spent about 3 hours of their day with them, the rest they spent sleeping or at daycare.  Although they were at a great daycare, they still had (many) days where they really cried at drop-off.  Of course, I can remember at least one weekend when Anna cried because she had to stay home with us.  That also didn't feel good  :)  Once I took a day off because someone was sick.  I can't remember which kid it was, but they were on the mend, so we went for a walk.  We came across a bevy of SAHMs in the neighborhood who were just hanging out.  It was clear they knew each other well.  I knew them in passing, one neighbor had a tradition of Friday night beers, and we would often stop by (for water).  Anyway, the kids played, the ladies chatted.  It was fun.  I couldn't wait to be able to have a life like that full-time.  Remember, at the time I only had 1 kid with me.  I should have factored that into the equation, but I didn't.

Shortly after that, I got my wish.  I became a SAHM.   I was definitely spot-on about how convenient it is. When the kids get sick there is no stressful scheduling.  They get to sleep until their bodies (or siblings) wake them and there is a lot more time for cooking healthy meals.  Instead of 3 hours a day, I spend all their waking hours with them. We go to story time and the park.  Occassionally, we meet Thomas for lunch--a favorite for all of us.  When he has to work late, he doesn't worry about my schedule.  I also got to say goodbye to the stress of work, no difficult deadlines or demanding clients.  Well, the kids are demanding, but I can send them to their rooms.

But, the drawbacks.  The big one is obviously the money.  I miss the security of two incomes (and all that it brings).  But, the drawback I didn't anticipate is that it really isn't the fun adventure I (unrealistically) expected.  Sometimes, I'm lonely.  Thomas is here in the evenings, but there is a lot of daylight to burn during the 10+ hours a day he is gone.  We don't live in a fun neighborhood where every afternoon the SAHMs get together.  And, here's where I am going to sound like a jerk, I also miss having people listen to me.  I miss giving advice and feeling valued.  Frankly, I miss feeling important.  The other day a friend I hadn't talked to since high school made a comment about my being lucky to have married a lawyer.  People don't even realize I am a lawyer too!  Once upon a time, I was a trusted member of a staff that made important decisions.  Now, my important decisions seem to be what to make for dinner and if the kids need to wear gloves to go outside.  Not exactly intellectually taxing. 

With all that background in mind, you can see the dilemma I was faced with when Thomas came home and told me about an open position in one of the legal offices on base.  It seemed like a good fit for my experience, we could carpool, and the pay was great.  I went through a lot of rationalizations about how this would be different--we would hire a nanny.  We could even get a live-in.  That would alleviate a lot of the problems we had when we both worked before.  I went back and forth for days.  I literally thought about it for hours and hours and hours.  Thomas' preference was for me to stay home, but he offered unwavering support for whichever direction I chose.

So, what did I choose?  I chose not to apply.  As much as I want to (and I really do), I could not come up with any scenario where it was better for my kids to be with a stranger for the vast majority of their waking hours.  There are too many moments I would miss.  Every now and then Kara spontaneously hugs me and tells me I am her best friend.  How could I give that up?  We are fortunate enough that I don't have to work (although it means a different lifestyle than we had in previous years) and I truly believe that what we are giving them now is more valuable then what we would gain from my working.  I certainly support all those who make a different decision, and if we had a family support system here, I might have come out differently.  But, for the foreseeable future (particularly since we are considering home-schooling--a topic for another day), I will be content where I am.