Perspective?

Last year I became a little concerned when a lady who worked in the school lunchroom seemed overly attached to Luke. She gave him candy and other little treats every single day. Eventually, she started giving Kara candy too. They both, of course, loved this, but Thomas and I weren't as enthusiastic. I had Kara do a little "spying" and learned that her interest in Luke was unique (she wasn't giving other kids candy every day, at least not that Kara could tell). She would also buy him milk and occasionally gifts (like matchbox cars, nothing big).

Both Thomas and I thought it was odd and it made me uncomfortable. We reminded Luke not to get in a car with anyone, even people he might know from school and I thought about contacting his teacher to ask her to put a stop to the daily candy consumption. Finally, I went to a school activity and met her. And, I felt a lot better. She seemed to be around my father's age and I stopped fearing that she had some nefarious purpose. She continued with the candy, and gave both Kara and Luke a bunch of gifts for Christmas (mostly dollar store stuff, but a lot of it and all individually wrapped). We had Luke and Kara write cards and gave her a gift card to Panera. The candy continued after Christmas. Because of COVID, Luke wasn't at school for his birthday (in March). She contacted me and asked if she could drop off some birthday gifts for him, which she did. 

She also asked to Facetime with Luke. At this point, I finally mentioned it to Luke's teacher and learned that Luke was the spitting image of the lady's grandson, who had moved away. After that, we decided to be more patient and we let him call her a few times, but not the weekly call that she had suggested. I think he did it 3 or 4 times over the course of the 5 months he was home from school. When school started again, she was back in the lunchroom and again started giving Luke candy/gifts every day. I rolled my eyes a bit and again thought about contacting her and asking her to stop. I told Luke to remind her that she didn't need to give him anything, that he would like her regardless, but it continued. Then, one day Luke came home and said she was going to a different job and wouldn't be in the lunchroom anymore. We asked him a few times if he ever saw her anymore and he always said no. 

A month or so went by and I saw an announcement on the PTA page that she had passed away. I struggled with whether we should tell Luke. A few months ago, maybe a year, he had been nervous about death and I didn't want all of that to resurface. So, we decided not to. He hasn't mentioned her for a while and, of course, we have stopped asking if he's seen her. 

But, I can't get it out of my head. For the past few nights, I have laid awake thinking about everything that transpired. I found her obituary and did some Facebook sleuthing and learned that there was more to her than I realized. She was a retired nurse practitioner, which I assume was fairly unusual for someone of her generation (from the obituary, I learned she was 76). She had one son, who is a doctor. She was a lesbian, who lived with another teacher at the school. And, she didn't just work in the lunchroom, she also tutored kids and apparently was really good at it. In other words, she had a very interesting life and I had never thought to consider who she was as a person. I had assumed she was working in the lunchroom at her age because she had to. 

But, in reality, I didn't think about her much at all. I just thought it was weird that she liked my son. Luke liked talking to her, I could have let him call her more often and they both would have been happy. And, I feel really bad that I didn't. I also feel guilty for talking and thinking poorly of her. I felt like she was trying to buy Luke's affection. I always seemed to give her some ulterior motive. In reality, it is far more likely that Luke was just sweet to her and she enjoyed being around a child who reminded her of a grandson living in another state. I could have been so much nicer.

Fortunately, I have no reason to believe she was lonely. In fact, I know that she lived with her partner and her partner's son and they seemed like they had a loving, happy life. But, I still wish I had gotten to know her. And, I worry that I would have treated the situation differently if I had known that she was a retired professional. And, obviously that is pretty ridiculous. So, these are the thoughts that keep me up at night. Am I a snob? Am I selfish? Why wasn't I nicer? Should I tell Luke she has passed away? I also haven't told the older kids because I am afraid they will slip and tell Luke.

Hopefully, writing this out will help me to stop thinking about it so much so I can get a better night's sleep. I can't undo the past, hopefully these are lessons for the future.