The Consequences of Words

If you have children no doubt you have uttered an if/then ultimatum. In my house, there are at least 5 such occurences daily, per child, each hour. For example, "if you don't apologize, then you're going to timeout." Makes perfect sense, right? The problem with the if/then ultimatum is that when they do the "if," you have to do the "then." Sometimes, that's easy and comparatively painless, such as the above time-out example. Othertimes, you can box yourself into a corner. But, if you want to enforce that your words have meaning, then you really have no choice.

This Independence Day weekend, I boxed myself into a corner and it was I who suffered most from the consequences. The scene: our house. Chaotic as always, lots of crying, complaining, and general unrest. Oh, and three little kids (badabing--I bet you didn't see that coming!). The kids got up early, the excitment of the day looming before them. I was REALLY looking forward to going to a local concert that evening, complete with fireworks timed to a live rendition of the 1812 Overture. We told the kids about all the fun we were going to have. We had a busy morning, shopping at Lowe's for paint samples and going out to lunch. When we got home, it was naptime. The girls usually sleep at naptime, and Jack takes the opportunity to play quietly in his room, which most days he actually enjoys. The kids generally go to bed at 8pm. Since the fireworks didn't start until after 9, Thomas and I told them how important it was for them to be quiet and take a nap. They indicated an understanding.

Five minutes later, they're out of bed, jumping around, playing loudly with toys. Anna was actually singing quite loudly. So, I go in and ask them nicely to be quiet. They promise they will be quiet. Unfortunately, they have no idea what a promise is, because shortly thereafter, same scenario (minus the singing at least). This time Daddy goes in to lay down the law. Again, they indicate they will be quiet and affirm that they want to be able to stay up for fireworks. A few minutes later, they are out of bed again, communicating loudly through the walls. I go in again and this is when it happens.

I issue the if/then ultimatum: "If you don't be quiet and take a nap, then we are NOT going to the fireworks." Well, you can guess what happened. Nap time crawls by, nobody sleeps, nobody even attempts to sleep. They are loud and playful. I reissue the threat to no avail. Nap time ends. They ask if they can still go the fireworks. With a heavy heart, I am forced to say no. They cry. They beg. They "promies" they'll take a nap tomorrow (not falling for that one!). But, we warned them. The rules were clear. We are forced to follow through.

Twenty minutes later, they've forgotten about the fireworks. They are happily playing some game, while I am left to ponder what went wrong. Actually, there isn't much to ponder, I made a cardinal mistake. I set forth a consequence I really, REALLY didn't want to enforce. I tried to find some way to back out. But, there wasn't any wiggle room in this one. We ended up buying some sparklers and little fireworks for our yard. The kids could see larger fireworks in the distance and were reminded that if they had been quiet, they could be watching giant fireworks in the sky. But, they didn't seem to care, they were happy. It was me who suffered.

Later that weekend, we were going to a friend's barbecue. Nap time rolled around. Anna said, "if we don't take a nap, we can't go to the barbecue, right Mommy?" Her Daddy, the smart one, responded with, "if you don't take a nap, you can't have dessert at the barbecue." Everyone was quiet that day.