Potty Training and Me: A Realization

There are several things in life I am good at, a few I am very good at, and many I am terrible at.  Unfortunately, potty training falls into the latter of those three categories.

Until my attempts with Kara, I could delude myself.  I had one child who learned easily at 2.5 and one who was somewhat of a nightmare.  That one was well past his 3rd birthday (probably midway to his 4th) before he was fully "trained."  So, it was easy to attribute the success of one to myself and the difficulty of the other to the child.  

Anna chose the doll and pink ice cream for her reward.



Let me focus on those two for a minute.  Anna, the successful child, probably could have learned before her 2nd birthday, but it was her daycare's policy to wait until a child was around 2.5.  So, we waited.  Then, when she and her brother hit 2.5, we decorated a potty chart, bought some pretty stickers and watched her chart fill up.  She had the thing accomplished in a less than a week.  I think at the time she filled hers (roughly 60 stickers) Jack's chart had 4.  When we brought her to daycare in underwear for the first time they told us we needed to bring in 5 changes of clothes.  They used none of them.  She literally conquered potty training in less than a week and there was no crying or yelling (by any of us).  Jack was slower.  He just isn't externally motivated.  Stickers didn't do it, toys weren't really a motivation, candy he could take or leave.  I finally told him if he would poop in the potty, we would buy him the Jesse (from Toy Story) costume he wanted.  He did it just enough to get the costume and then didn't bother again for about 3 months.  I don't know what finally motivated him, but it was certainly nothing I said or did.

So, it was easy for me to just figure he was the problem.   Alas, that wasn't true.  I am the problem.  Kara has now passed her 3rd birthday and, as I type, is wearing a diaper.  She had on a pullup, but then she had an "accident," which required a load of laundry and a shower.   Accident is in quotes, because the term doesn't actually apply, but is a more polite term than the word that does.  At least she wasn't wearing underwear.  And, don't think the pullup is the problem, I started this journey by making her wear underwear.  But, she wore me down with multiple daily accidents.  Now, she is about to outgrow her pullups, which I bought more than 6 months ago in optimistic anticipation (you know, for when we went out in public, because at home she would be wearing only underwear).

Anyway, when Kara hit the 2.5 mark, I put up the potty chart for her.  She promptly filled it, went to Target and selected her reward (a Mr. Potato Head).  Then, nothing.  A little different than Jack (whose chart stood for about 5 months and never amassed more than 12 stickers), but lacking the staying power of Anna.  I have tried bribes--candy every time she goes; group coercion--treats for her and her siblings every time she goes; threats--no television if she doesn't; and, the one I am most ashamed of--shaming.  The shaming was me calling her pooper.  She didn't like it.  Then, Anna started calling her pooper, which she REALLY didn't like.  I realized I was setting a terrible example, apologized to Kara and explained to Anna that I was wrong and it was not okay for us to be calling Kara names.  None of it worked; 7 months later and we are no further along.
So, what's the problem?  Kara is smart.  She's not overly stubborn.  She's not typically a difficult child (other than still waking us many nights to cover her.  Which reminds me of a  funny story that must be told even though it bears no relation to the present topic.  See below).   Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that the problem is me.  I stink at this.  Anna trained herself.  Jack and Kara are the shining examples of the skills I (don't) bring to the table.  If Thomas was the SAHP, I don't think we'd have this problem.  I console myself with the fact that one day, probably relatively soon, she will be in underwear and this will be a thing of that past. 

So, the funny story.  Kara still frequently cries in the night, screaming until one of us comes into her room.  Nine times out of 10, she just wants us to cover her. Well, a few weeks ago, I had enough.  Before bed, we had a nice conversation.  I told her how Daddy and I need our sleep too and she needed to cover herself and go back to sleep.  Then, I said if she woke us up to cover her, I was going to take all the books out of her bed.  She was in a good mood and indicated she understood.  So, you can imagine my surprise when I was awakened at 2am by her incessant screaming.  Thomas was also awake, but it was my turn to deal with her.  I stumbled into her room and looked at her expectantly.  She smiled sweetly at me, blanket in hand.  Then, I could see hestitation on her face as she appeared to be remembering our pre-bed conversation.  She surveyed the room, and then, looking at her books said, "ummm...<long pause> ummmmm...<long pause> this book really has a lot of pages, doesn't it Mommy?"  I had to admire her quick thinking on that one and couldn't help but laugh.  I agreed and made my way back to bed.